By Miryamah AQ
miryamah230@gmail.com
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Funny how life can take scary turns.
Just few years back I thought I was the happiest girl on earth. I had a loving mother who was supporting me from all angles,a caring step dad who made it his duty to make me happy and a darling half sister who was there for me through it all. And now,they are nowhere to be found.
No one to share my sorrows with.
No one to wipe my tears away. Just no one. Just me and my miserable self. I broke down in tears once more.
It was around half past one that I decided to finally give up crying and crawl back to my room. Hajia was still in the living room having hushed discussions with jakadiya. Abba was nowhere to be found,probably back to his chamber. I didn't give them a second glance as I made my way out to my room.
On reaching my room,I quickly shut the door and clicked the lock in. I rushed to the bathroom and performed wudu. I sprayed the prayer mat and faced the qibla and with a heavy heart,I started my salah.....
I cried my heart out to the Owner of all hearts. I cried so hard in prostration I felt my eyes were going to unhook themselves from their sockets. My heart was hurting so bad I can't even explain it. Ya Allah.
Marrying a prince means forgetting all my dreams. Living a normal life,that I should forget about it because I'll never experience it. I will eventually become the Queen one day and things will get pretty intense. I have to start having kids ASAP because the prince also wants a successor. I need to forget my dream of becoming a fashion designer and focus on making a home. Maids all over my house invading my privacy in the name of 'helping' me. Guards following me around everywhere I go like I'm Kim kardashian. Malams storming into my house in the name of 'protection' because they've 'seen' bad luck coming. All sorts of things I'm not ready for. And worse of all,I don't love this guy. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't. He just wants someone to take care of his baby princess and someone he can run off to bed with.
Ewwww...
Ya Allah help me. How am I going to deal with this.
I finished my Nafil and quickly pulled out my phone from my pajama pocket. I quickly sent a message to Ma.
I stared at the screen of my phone for a while after sending the message. I smiled recalling when the pic was taken. It was at Disney land,on Leilah's 16th birthday. She was wearing a Cinderella dress designed by me and a tiara. A tiara perched on her golden hijab. Ma and I wore birthday cones over our Hijabs. Abu Leilah was the one who snapped the picture. It was beautiful and suddenly I felt tears in my eyes.
I will give everything to go back in time to experience such fun. Oh how I missed home.
My phone suddenly vibrated. It was a new message from a new number.
Have Faith in Allah and everything will
be okay insha Allah Mon Cherie.
It was Abba.
He was the only one who called me Mon Cherie (My darling).
I stared at my phone for a long time before I typed back a reply.
I want the marriage to be postponed.
I'm not ready. I need sometime to
mentally prepare myself.
I waited a beat for his reply.
Will talk to Mai Martaba tomorrow.
Now sleep princess.
I felt relief wash over me. I hope things will work out. I just hope.
Thank you Abba. Je vous Aime.❤
And just like that,I felt I was safe.
I closed my eyes as I inhaled the morning air and listened silently as the birds chirped happily outside my window. I waited patiently for Leilah to finish her long morning shower and then for Ma to come up to our room with two mugs;hot chocolate for me and green tea for Leilah. I waited....and waited...and waited.
And then slowly the tears came running down. Just the realization that I was not home anymore broke my heart into a million pieces. That dawning feeling that Ma is not here to serve me her delicious croissants in the morning,kiss my forehead continuously when I lie about a headache just because I don't want to drive Leilah to school. I missed her natural lavender scent which melts my heart every time it crashes with my olfactory senses.
Oh my Ma,where art thou?
A sharp pain soared through my head and the events of yesterday night came crashing down.
I have never ever in my life felt so dejected and weak,I have never felt so vulnerable and hated until yesterday. I just realized I truly don't belong here. And the funny thing is,no one cares. Just no one.
I pulled my quilt over my face as the tears increased their speed. My heart was aching so much I couldn't even breathe properly. Ya Allah! I clutched the quilt so tight and sobbed hard. And hard. Harder. But no one came.
I didn't even realize I spent almost an hour crying until the maid came in with my breakfast. I sat up in bed and wiped my eyes,telling her I didn't want to eat anything but she said she couldn't return the food back.
Hajiya's orders.
"Then sit down and finish it" I huffed as I rushed into the bathroom. I swear I want to snap somebody's throat any moment from now.
I let the shower run as I quickly washed up. I dried off and slipped into a white Pakistani salwar kameez with a blue dupatta. I tied my hair in a side braid and applied some little kohl on my pale eyes. I took in my reflection in the mirror. I still looked hedious. Ya Allah!.
I came back into the room and still found Hasiya,the maid standing in one corner of the room,her head bowed low.
"What are you still doing here? I said you should finish the breakfast yourself and disappear!" I snapped.
My blood was boiling
"I'm sorry Ranki ya Dade...."
"Don't you ever try to call me that again. Ever!" I was shouting now.
She zipped her mouth and quietly picked up the tray of breakfasts and left.
The moment she left,I slammed the door shut and clicked the lock in but then I remembered the maids have a spare key especially the cleaning staff. I huffed in annoyance and crashed back to bed.
I started working on my laptop. As usual, designing. I missed my digital designing board which occupied one of the walls in my and Leilah's room back home. She always huffs and vents about how our room looks like a classroom. I always roll my eyes at that. I mean,she has a huge bookshelf in the other side that houses almost 1000 science textbooks and other weird stuff. I didn't say our room is looking like an ancient library though.
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